a swimsuit and a decision

One of the most transformative decisions of my life was prompted by a bathing suit.

Of course, at the time I didn’t know the lasting impact of that decision.

Seven years ago, about a month after my first husband died in a sporting accident, a friend sent me a swimsuit from her new swimwear line. She knew I was about to go on a Qoya retreat in Bali for heart healing and she lovingly wanted to give me something to wear on the beach.

I never told her this, but when I tried the swimsuit on for the first time I was mortified.

It showed a lot of cheek, and while cute on her, I was embarrassed by how it looked on me. I had long been self-conscious and dealt with insecurity, even walking a fine line with an eating disorder for a while. While my relationship with food had long been healed and I no longer weighed myself 10 times a day, some insecurity remained. But I LOVED the suit!

As I wallowed in my insecurity that day, I distinctly remember for the first time how insignificant it felt. In the wake of my loss, it felt minuscule, ridiculous, laughable really. I had a choice. I could carry this insecurity and self-consciousness with me indefinitely, allowing it to steal joy and peace from this one beautiful life, or I could set it down and let it die with the version of me that lived before.

I imagined that I was holding it in my hands, deciding if I should set it down or carry it on. It was in the light of that moment that for the first time ever, it was an obvious choice. I set down all my insecurity about how my body looked and can gladly say that I have not picked it up since. At that moment, I was aware that I was creating a new me. Despite the grief, sadness, and crumbling loss, in many ways, I was in a position of extreme power.

I am not trying to diminish the complexity or challenge of eating disorders and body dysmorphia. This is simply my experience.

It is impossible to calculate the amount of time, energy, and unnecessary stress I have saved myself since making that decision. I just know that it is a lot.

I believe a moment of power like that is here again. Not just for me but for all of us.

I am seeing people all around, go through changes big and small. Growth periods, moves, rebirths, losses, and gains… You probably don’t need me to point this out because it is right in front of our faces. And regardless of how clear you are on where you are going, it is likely that you are aware of at least one part of you that you are being invited to leave behind.

What are you taking in your imaginary hands to decide if you will set it down or carry it forward?

A few months ago I was asked the question, “If you keep doing what you are doing now, where will you be in 5 years?” While my answer was not catastrophic by any means, it did lack inspiration. While I love my family and the life we have built, on a personal level what I was doing had run its course and I was ready to expand into something more. 

I was eager to have new and interesting experiences.
I was ready to fail in the pursuit of success.
I was prepared to make a fool of myself if that’s what my new road asked of me.
I was ready to lay my heart and ego on the line as a way of getting over whatever fears I had holding me back. 
I was ready to lay down my excuses.

I felt called to do this for myself and the vision I have held for my life since I was young. I also felt called to do this for my family. To bring ALL of myself to the table because that is what I feel they deserve from me. 

So I opened myself up to explore opportunities as they came to me. Things that I had avoided before for fear of how they would make me look or for lack of understanding of how they could fit into and benefit my life. I also started writing again. Each letter I type is written on borrowed time. Usually nap time. Or late at night after everyone has gone to bed. 

The thing is, everything we do is on borrowed time. With this understanding, I can no longer put off my dreams and creativity. If losing an hour of sleep at night and looking a little silly sometimes is the price, then I am willing to pay. 

I know the freedom and ease that one decision can bring. This is why I feel compelled to have this conversation with you now. It is in moments like these that we shed the layers that disguise our purest essence. And beneath those layers, we can discover something more honest and more true. And what I have found over and over again is that it is in that honesty and that truth that the sweetness of life lives.

So be still and feel into it.

Hold it in your hands.
And decide what you will do with it.

On a rope swing in Bali wearing my cheeky suit.
Photo credit Betsy B Murphy
Suit by Mikaswim